I seem to have wound back up in the snow again. Honestly, being me is like following around a curious toddler (minus the nappies, a bit taller..with an education…etc.)
My emotions squigged me through the ringer today. I’ve felt so content for so long, I’d forgotten what it was like to feel black inside. I am at a crossroads or maybe a roundabout…there are a few exits on offer (all great) but I keep driving around and around in circles. One exit has a barrier up. One is WIDE OPEN and is familiar and the other is also an open carriage way, but I’m scared of it….I’ve never been there before.
My frustration at having to leave the US had me at checkmate. Then, up from the rear, my worry was leapfrogged by a relationship angst. I’d been using Skype for the first time this trip. Keeping up with my family and friends was such a treasure. I loved hearing about their day-to-day stuff and enjoying some kind of continuity. I don’t know why, but after Christmas I thought I’d give it space for people to contact me. Was I testing them? Um, yes. Well, they haven’t called me, or emailed to say ‘hey we’ve got Skype, lets chat and have a giggle’. I’m spitting my dummy out of the pram about it. I felt like I was making all the effort and when I stopped…nothing. This morning I felt hurt, angry. I began to think..Jesus, they don’t even care. I was starting to crumble. I reached for the phone, called an American friend. He listened to me for a couple of minutes. ‘It’s just not good enough…I’m not making excuses for them anymore. They should make an effort, without me feeling like I have to force them to want to give me some of their time…why don’t they care? God, can’t they spend a few measly quid on a call or get Skype like I did? …..blah, blah!’ After a couple of minutes of wailing like a five year old, I was slammed up against the buffer by what he said. ‘But sweetie, you were the one who came to America, you left them to come here’.
Crap. I had never thought of it that way. I felt the invisible blow to my guts. How did they feel?……That they are not enough for me to make stay there? I should stop questioning their love for me. Really, I’m questioning myself…Am I worth loving? That is what I am really saying. How do communicate without feeling like I’m whining?
How do I pull apart my travel dilemma too? This is obviously not a bad choice to have to make. I ask for no sympathy. I am very fortunate. UK. South America. Both open. The US? My time is up. How can I want to be warm more than I want to be home? It is not just that. I love travelling. It is challenging. It feels like my job. A job that currently is not paid and doesn’t yet have a selling point, but that is what I am working on. This is what I do.
……………….Two days later and I’ve fallen down from the ringer. Picked myself up. Mended everything. Decisions made. Found myself staying atop a mountain and plans are in place. I am too busy getting out and about to post but I have a stream of pictures and stories to tell you. My skin has been in a perpetual state of goosebumpedyness (yes, in my world that is a real word!) at the serendipity thats been pouncing on me, and I’ve been walking around a hilltop heaven in my wellies. Meeting outrageously gorgeous people and having some rather lovely chats. More soon dear reader. Can’t wait to share it with you. xxx