8:50am. England. All house lights switched on, curtains dragged back to their maximum. Light entering house?…..practically non-existent. Outside is grey, windy and everything is painted with moisture. My motivation to do anything is at about 30%. I am fighting hibernation whilst all around me has given up its grip.
Green grass, my family & friends, British radio (not necessarily in order), the things that bring me back to this tiny island. My mood so low I cannot see the good. I returned two days ago. Lack of preparation, a disregard for blazing temperatures in South America and a desire to conserve money, honouring my pre-booked flight, found me on a plane heading for Heathrow.
The sun has graced us with its presence for exactly three minutes in three days.
I sought the comfort of a cafe yesterday. One I knew had both internet access, fairy lights and flickering candles and a very friendly welcome. A refuge from the downcast faces of shoppers and the office bods, grasping their 60 minutes of mid-day freedom. My time online was wasted. I tried to research, use Google, a blank document, emails to think things through. It did little to stop my thoughts from whirling. I failed to make any decisions, write a single line or concoct any plans for my escape. I miss smiles, the sun, humming birds, inspiring conversation, mountains, jogging, motivation, food with flavour overload, blue skies and GRATITUDE (mine!). Admitting I am ungrateful for being back in hugging distance of my mum is difficult. Well, I’m grateful but it is tarnished by factors beyond my control which no amount of positive talk can nudge away…..
Perspective tells me that most feel this way who live far from the equator. Can happiness really be lost or gained by the weather? Is this all that our ability to thrive or dive is controlled by? Should I feel this guilt for choosing the Sun over familial relationships? I’m not alone in my quest for a better life and it is all down to the power of the sun. I know why the ancients built towers, shrines for the orange orb!
I know I need so many things in place to make the wrong right. I know it is ok for me to move with the sun. Birds, butterflies, whales and whatever else do it. Americans do it in shed loads and Australians. The sun makes me happy. It makes me tie my shoelaces and run. It makes our food burst with flavour. I feel a failure. I’ve failed to stop my constitution being dialed in by the sun. I have so much to blog for the last week and I ‘ve no idea where to start when all I want to do is lie in bed. I want to rally the happy troops in my body and make the most of what I have right now. Ok so looking at it, I am probably going to leave again very soon. I should kick my ass into action and get done what I need to, and glory being back with family and friends. Make it an adventure…..after I’ve lain here for just a little longer….