I’ve got junkyard head…pressure cooker mind. My head is so full of thoughts that my eyes are puffy, like I’ve a thinking-party hangover! GET THEE OUT OF MY HEAD!
I’ve been thinking upside down thoughts. I shall furnish you with an example of this; entertainment is what I do in between feeling like I’m invisible; some people don’t appear to like their view of me; I’ve not started my novel; grey hairs are forming a members club on my head; I only got 3/4 of the way down the 18mile cycle path to Eastbourne on my trusty purple bike. Bloody hell. The dawning, harsh reality is that I am a pessimist with an optimistic undertone. What to do…?
Thoughts are thus…I have failed, thus far, to boot up my trusty little laptop and begin ‘the novel’ because I am currently spending too much time thinking, or exercising..or visiting practitioners to help put right the injuries I get from exercising. But, wait..hold on their a minute. That was written by The Pessimist. Here is the Optimist’s slant on things. I have been cooking a lot and enjoying new flavours, veganising dishes; getting busy in my kitch (pet name for my kitchen) for some exciting online endeavours, one partaking in a Secret Recipe Club where I get to change up other peoples recipes and visa versa. Here is what I whisked up as I waltzed around between cupboard and cooker (http://aveganobsession.blogspot.com/2011/08/thin-polenta-crust-pizza-feta-sweet.html). I had to laugh (after a little swear word escaped from my lips) as the cook assigned to me this week chose the least delicious of my creations to bake…and then, THEN wrote about smashing it up with a meat tenderiser – ha! humph! I went to the sculpture park at Goodwood, in Sussex www.sculpture.corg.uk, two windy Sundays ago with a friend…we had a giggle or three. Incredible place – highly recommend it. I held my first indoor picnic in a year for a few pals, followed by a hilariously entertaining and unique outdoor play performed by travelling theatre group http://www.therudemechanicaltheatre.co.uk/ in a pub garden. Our annual jaunt. My time spent emailing friends time increased enormously and, whilst out to gather some blackberries, I’ve just been having a lovely chat with a woman in my village about cooking and her year of residence in Madagascar. The sun is shining all is well….to The Optimist. But bugger that bloody dammed Pessimist. It has driven me almost insane with its increasing, and not very helpful, insistence on informing me I am lonely.
It’s a theme in my life..I am BORED of it. So BORED of it. Ignoring it, it seems will not make it disapear in a puff of glitter. I doned my thinking cap……..Ok, Ok..I got it…. Now, if a busy woodpecker outside the cabin of a Mr & Mrs Lantz …ha ha ha haaa ha, ha ha ha haa haaa…..hahhahahah – did you guess? come on! obviously, that is the call of Woody Woodpecker. If a pecking bird can become an inspiration and not a nuisance after many nights without sleep, and have Walter, the creator, make up a story about that pesky woodland bird…seeling his fate and his (very successful…beyond imagining successful) career, then perhaps I too can turn my Nemesis into my comrade, once and for bloody all.
I began to think differently (not out of any great skill on my part…more boredom of the repetitive drone going on beneath my bonnet). I want to compile a ‘how too’…a bulleted list for the people who share this conundrum that has blighted me. Sadly, a little bit of online research reveals there are millions of us. The unhugged. I read a post today that speaks of the human need for touch http://eqi.org/ht.htm I am alone, I am happy about this most of the time. Most of the time I am happy…unless..UNLESS I go for more that a day without a genuine connection. Don’t worry…no sob story..my life is great in many ways. On Saturday..after 2 days without a kind word or anyone to accept my smiles I had gotten myself into a tizz. But the 3 wubbleyous saved me! In desperation, I dug around and unearthed a gem..Meet-up Groups (www.meetup.com) – blimey, where have THEY been hiding. I found a group called the www.cultureseekers.org, clicked on the RSVP button, ran a comb through my hair and jumped on the train, London bound, with a little packed lunch for my journey. Two hours later I was unrecognizable from the woman sitting in her chair with bed hair and an AWOL bit of breakfast drying on her chin. I was transformed.. and all without the aid of a telephone box or a bright satin cape! Fifty or so others gathered at the entrance to the tube in Pimlico for the afternoons injection of culture and mystery. We followed behind Alan, our jolly guide as he reeled off fact and conjecture..then rounding the tour off nicely, as we practically took over a pub, forgot the riots, kicked our cares outside, beyond the begonias in the hanging baskets, and enjoyed the company of my fellow culture seekers.
So, fired up….new perspective removing the rose tint, I am on this. No longer am I going to pretend I’m not lonely at times. No longer am I going to hide fact that I’m hug deficient (the pessimist is forlornly uttering in my head ‘i’ll try to be more authentic’…Geesh, it’s a start). So what do I propose? I am going to research LONELINESS and then when I am satisfied I’ve gained some valuable insight, I am going to research POPULARITY. I’ve ordered biographies from the library of genteel folk who render me a soppy fool upon catching a whiff of their easy natured brilliance. If I do this. Write about it. Share it. Meet it head on. Then perhaps I can finally use my mind to develop my skills and transform into a literary genius (the Optimist again…yep she’s a plucky one!). I’ll finally get to make stuff up for a living. Invent. Not ‘vent‘.
A funny thing…the day I decided to embrace my ‘demon’ and make it a project to pin my curiosity to I got invited out by a friend. I Googled the area in between our respective homesteads and picked a pub at which to meet. There I was, just fresh from my pondering the elements that make us attractive (not looks related) and make others want to spend time with us, when my friend, just by being himself…not overly confident, not shy, had – within moments, a growing audience descending around our table, gathering in number like curious cows. I witnessed a fawning appreciation being displayed for my friend, and that was even before they learnt of his…long string of artistic brilliance. It was unreal. Unreal and serendipitous.
So, whilst I wait for my muse to arrive and hand me the plot for my first novel. I am going to AMUSE myself by learning all I can about the LIFE, LOVE & HABITS of POPULAR PEOPLE.